TWN- 11.03.14

1. Indians necessarily want a strong three times meal, supported by snacks after office or with evening tea. We feel incomplete if we are not carrying a heavy tummy and when we are not passing out the gas.

(Travelling in Mumbai local has made me note all these minor details. With 50+ men in a single compartment....OMG. Americans may have landed on the moon first but I dare them to take a local from Kurla station!)

2. You can test our general knowledge after we have gulped up 3+ pegs of whiskey. But please don’t say anything negative about Gandhi, Vajpayee and Sachin! We love these people as idols.

(Drinking in the company of hardcore sardars have made me realised my intelligence level and also my singing ability)

3. We watch movies for the sake of spending time with our friends and loved ones.  And we watch English movies in hindi to get the feel. Who the fuck cares if it’s a James Cameron or Ram Gopal Verma’s film?

(I have watched a Rajnikanth’s movie in 3D. Period)

4. Westerners use spices only when they have a celebration in home or they are not on strict diet. LOL! Take a visit to Mohammad Ali road in Mumbai or Paratha Galli in Delhi and you will know what a spicy life we live!

(I have made friends from all castes and religions of India only to enjoy authentic food on their festivals. What a selfish foodie I am!)

5. No matter how much skin these present actresses show, Nargis Dutt and Madhubala are irreplaceable!!

(I pity Hindi film industry for bearing with Sunny Leone and Yo Yo)

6. Westerners may have Bieber and Lady Gaga, but all Indians can dance on the same floor if you play a Daler Mehndi song.

(We are so obsessed with Punjabi music. Attend an authentic Punjabi reception and u will know what I mean)

7. You can’t beat Indians at showing emotions, even if unnecessary. We cry our lungs out when the half dead grandmother takes her last breath in a daily TV shop or when SRK is dying of cancer in Kal ho na ho. Same way we can take the whole theatre down from our excitement when Salman Khan makes an entry or removes his shirt.

(What have we got in inheritance from our ancestors? I say, cricket and bollywood.)

8. We don’t really care for ‘Which party is in the power’ unless we are happy with price of fuel, food and beer! Election time is no less than a celebration time for the people living in huts. Free khana-pina kise pasand nai hai!

(The very basic attitude that I have seen in public is, ‘Sabhi toh corrupt hai saale!’)

9. Most of the Indians carry two mobile phones in one pocket, one for work (the one in the range of 2000-3000, which offers ultimate durability) other one for ostentation while going to a party (the one that offers a touch screen and camera flash wala)

10. For us, Chinese cuisine is triple schezwan rice and Manchurian soup, French cuisine is pasta and pizza while American food is burger and French fries voh bhi McDonalds ka! In case we are not eating any animal or insect then it is eaten in Thailand or Korea.

See you can’t challenge our knowledge!

TWN- 10.03.14

1. A new promotional TVC is out! No it’s not Saqib Saleem again; the dude in the TVC is our very own Kapil Sibal. Yeah that man who brought a desi tablet called Aakash!

Kya sir, I used to respect you as a decent man but aisa promotion. Not acceptable!

2. N.D Tiwari, the owner of Playboy franchise in India or South Asia has finally accepted his biological son after ignoring the truth for six years.

Did anyone say Government is trying to curb the population rise? India wants to know!

3. Vinod Sharma, father of infamous Page3 boy Manu Sharma is the owner of Yet-Another news channel called India News.

And we expect fair media coverage over various issues related to society.

4. Residents of Campa Cola society have made an appeal to Rahul Gandhi to stand strongly with them.

It’s like expecting a super hit movie from Uday Chopra or Harman Baweja!

5. Rahul Gandhi says, ‘We have confidence in the power of poor’.

Dear Rahul Baba, how can you expect any kind of power out of those people who don’t get to eat even a two time food?

6. Arvind Kejriwal VS Ambani, TATA in spectrum, SEBI VS Sahara and dozens of bank VS Kingfisher. Looks like India ke businessmen ko SHANI KI DASHA lag gayi hai!

Business is not a glass of Lassi for everyone!

7. Yogendra Yadav’s make up done with black ink. Still the man gave after interview like a saint.

For those people who support #wehateAAP, people Get a life!

8. AAP VS BJP clash. The blame game reminded me of my childhood fights with my sibling.

Grow up people, we trust you for leading a nation, not for a WWE fight ring!

9. No relief for SAHARA chief. SC refused to believe the assurance/pay back plan given by Roy.

When I was a kid, my teacher never believed me when I would say, ‘Madam I will bring the homework tomorrow’

10. BJP-SHIVSENA relationship can be best defined as ‘It’s complicated’.

BTW, I love Maharashtrian and Gujarati food. But a fusion of both would be bad.

Imagine-

Modi, Kejriwal and Gandhi playing Chidiya udd, tota udd in parliament!

TWN- 05.03.14

This is not a piece of accumulated recent headlines but a witty dig on our myths related to job/employment and educational structure of our country as seen by an average aunty from neighbourhood-

1. Only those people who are working in IT sector go to  Americaaaa for work. Others have to struggle for all their life.

2. If you have an engineering degree, you should be necessarily working in TCS or Infosys. We Indians don’t know any other company in existence!

3. No education except B.Tech and MBBS is enough to impress bride’s parents. Forget being an artist, thinker and writer!

4. All South Indians send their children to USA or UK for higher studies. Then these kids get placed in NASA!

5. NRIs are rude and they show off their manners with an American accent. If not the accent, then their healthy eating habits. We Indians consider that person as a poor fellow who does not put extra butter on a ghee stuffed parantha!

6. Daughter of Army personnel prefers a guy from defence forces only! No one from other profession should have the courage to even dream of that girl.

7. If you are a North Indian, you have essentially tried for civil exams once in your life time. Also half of the staff in most government jobs is comprised of people from Bihar and South India.

8. People from North East India get job preference in Japan and China. This is heard mostly at the Chai-nukkads of Delhi lanes.

9. Satya Nadella and Indira Nooyi are the best inspiration that every coaching centre gives. We don’t give a shit for our local genius minds.

10. If you opt for commerce after 10^th grade, you are a crowned loser.

TWN- 03.03.14

The Wicked News will bring you weekly updated (or whenever) for the news items you may have missed, in the wicked way-

1. Aamir Khan AKA Bhuvan from Lagaan is back with feel good show, SATYAMEV JAYATE. We hope this time it makes a huge impact and we can live in a better world.

If not that then we have Modi-Gandhi war going on, on TV supported by Lalu-Nitesh battle garnished by Yet-Another-Reality-Show called Roadies. (Oh yeah the same show where a bald-short man shows how macho and cool he is!)

2. Subrata Roy has fallen badly with no one to give him ‘SAHARA’.  He must be thinking, “Kahan gaye voh kasame-vaade jo ministers ne mujhse kiye the?”

Meanwhile on a private beach in Goa, Vijay  Mallaya is sipping beer and saying, “Feel the heat bitch!”

3. Modi and Mulayam Yadav go into verbal fighting! Oh kids grow up.

Stop acting like Rakhi Sawant and Sambhavna Seth trying to grab maximum currency notes in an event by Uttar Pradesh government.  

4. Mumbai gets one more tourist or say religious spot in the face of a 25 ft high steel bat as a tribute for Master-Blaster.

Unreliable sources of Intelligence agencies say L. N Mittal has eyes on this establishment. 

5. Rahul Mahajan makes one more appearance on comedy show.

Dear Government, please declare this man fatal or use him as a spy against Pakistan!

6. Salman-SRK hugged each other for the second time. This time Baba Siddique was missing from the scene!

Chalo half of the world problems can be solved now! Hope there won’t be protests on social networking websites for a different state for Salman or SRK’s fans respectively.

7. So many scandals and Locha going on in our ARMY.

Looks like Army is learning a lot from civilians! Kejriwal must be saying, ‘Iske piche Ambani ka haath hai’

8. Paswan is back to Modi. Also he will launch his son Chirag for second time, after a disastrous bollywood debut, this time in politics. Really a bad time coming ahead!

The perks of being the son of a politician! You get so many launches and obviously free travel, accommodation, alcohol, unlimited supply of cocaine, latest issue of Playboy.....and the list goes on!

9. The Indian comedy channels and all other kinds of acts are spreading like Dengue on internet. Every other day, you see a new notification on FB from a friend begging you to like his/her newly created page.

Our stupid acts are making Zuckerberg richer by Billions!

10. Imagine this- All top notch leaders from congress, BJP and other small time parties watching The Simpsons and eating popcorns! Lalu yells, ‘Ayeh Coke mein thoda bark daalna!’